Sobriety brings many things to the surface, most of all feelings.
I never realized how much I was numbing my feelings. One of the many problems with numbing our feelings is that we can’t numb fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, depression, hopelessness, shame, resentment, and blame without also numbing all the good stuff. We don’t feel our joy, gratitude, inspiration, self confidence, trust, and excitement at their highest decibels when we numb out our scary emotions. Once I stopped numbing out, a part of me starting freaking out. Now what do I do when I want to scream, cry, run, hit something??! OMG, this road is not an easy one. I have done years and years and years of healing work on myself. I have been on an intense spiritual journey for two decades and devoted to my meditation practice for a full decade. But now I have to FEEL and FACE all my emotions? Woah.
These days I am seeing what an enormous gift it is to feel everything. Now that I have placed myself and my wellness at the highest spot on the pyramid of my priorities, I care a whole lot about how I am treated, whether I feel valued, respected, seen, heard, loved. The decision to care more than ever how I am treated by others has brought about some enormous new changes in my life. After a year of endless challenges along with huge growth and rediscovery of my true self, I gave notice at my work just after they offered me an incredible benefits’ package and full time hours, as my income reached its highest numbers. I am embarking on a new employment path that will deeply honor who I am; I will be utilizing my talents, my abilities, my skills, my light, my passion for team building, and my heart. This new direction fills me with excitement, eagerness, optimism, inspiration, and joy. I know it is meant to be, and I feel enormous gratitude. I will be collaborating with a powerful, amazing, highly accomplished woman I admire, love, and know well from years working together in the past in one of the best hospitality environments of my long career.
I finally closed the door on a relationship that has been on again, off again for over five years. I was deeply connected to this person, but I ultimately had to admit I felt more like a puppet on a string than someone he values at the level I deserve to be valued. I have always been available to him when he feels ready to be together. I have always worked my schedule around his convenience, always put him higher than he earned in my life. I forgave him all his indiscretions too easily. I took on guilt for things that were never my fault. I went along with his righteousness and placed him on a pedestal. I was one of his groupies, one of the many fans – the president of his fan club. I looked past all the problems and errors of his ways. I told myself I could live with all the parts of him that didn’t fill me with joy. I had illusions about us, about him. I held on senselessly to the hope he would stop drinking. Now that I see more clearly than ever, I can part ways without anger, resentment, or even sadness. I am finally feeling powerful again, unstoppable. Why would I want to be meek and vulnerable with someone who doesn’t deserve me? I have never been at the top of his priority list, why would I put him at the top of mine? It feels good to wake up and smell the coffee! I deserve better, and I know better is out there seeking me. Here I am! And I am ready for you. Let’s do this.
The espresso of my life is so sweet these days. When my drinking was completely out of control, when I kept promising myself I could moderate, take several days off my booze habit, just stop drinking – yet never succeeded in that goal, I lost all trust in myself. I stopped drinking alcohol because I got sick of feeling so rotten all the time. I got sick of waking up each morning with dread. I got sick of depression and anxiety haunting me at 3 AM. I got sick of tossing and turning most of the night and then taking an hour to force myself to throw off the covers and get out of bed in the morning. I got sick of my body aches, inflammation, lack of productivity, low self esteem, and procrastination. Now I leap out of bed at 4 AM and can’t wait to tackle new projects. My new work environment is bringing all sorts of exciting opportunities for me to build, create, inspire, develop, nurture, collaborate, shine, and love my life. I feel so thankful I can hardly express it. I have deleted what was causing me pain. I am FREE. I took the leap, and where I have landed on the other side is absolutely breathtaking. Risking it all and leaping with confidence, trust, and knowing is the bomb. I have found my holy grail. Sobriety is the new sexy!