For the past few decades, I have been on an accelerated quest to grow, expand, transform, heal, and learn how to love myself. I am on a mission to learn the practice of letting things go, and the wonderful habit of pausing before speaking. I have a long way to go, but I have come a very long way. As I sit in my beautiful home overlooking the five acres of rolling hills and lemon trees, with freshly washed windows to give me the clearest possible view, I can’t think of anything worth complaining about.
I process my experiences and frustrations through my writing, it helps me release the dissonance from my mind. Sometimes when I go over them later, I cringe just a little as I take in the negativity expressed. I am a very positive person and highly affected by negativity in my world, and I seem to have a need to “get it out” by sharing. I do see all the challenges I am currently focusing on as opportunities to grow. If I can master this period of my life and these people in my life, I will come out stronger. If I can be an Agent of Change wherever I go, I am doing my part, serving my purpose.
Why is it I am feeling a tad guilty for sharing the annoyances and criticism I sometimes feel at how I am treated? I am judging the “other”, sometimes hurt and highly discouraged. I don’t see any of these behaviors as necessary or beneficial – but I have to remember that I have decades more of life under my belt and these younger folks are still on the path to figuring life out, brand spanking new to leadership roles, and perhaps they will never quite arrive at the place I wish they would. I am learning acceptance but it is taking me longer than I want. I am learning patience, but it is definitely not one of my strong suits, or at least not when it comes to my work environment.
There are so many wonderful parts of my work that I truly enjoy, about 90% being my customers. People come to the winery to relax and enjoy themselves, to be pampered, well treated, and served. That is my delight, it makes me soar! I have always loved to go the extra mile for customers, to be an example of exemplary service. It’s fun for me, it’s who I am and what I do, and when it is appreciated, I am pretty much giddy with joy. And that happens all the time for me at work, especially these past couple of months. So you see, I am really not complaining in these posts, or at least not seeing my life as missing anything. I know everyone in our lives is there for a reason. Things are changing for the better at my workplace, and maybe, just maybe, my patience will outlast my impulsiveness, because I still go to that place of wanting to walk away, run away, escape, avoid. Old wounds heal ever so slowly, and surface more during sobriety that at any point in existence. I am not numbing, burying, masking, checking out. I am fully present and having to figure out how to hold in my desired responses. I have always been an “Ask forgiveness, NOT permission” Troublemaker, but it’s time for me to tamper that just the slightest bit. Can you relate?